Jasper Hale's Journal

It's days like this that I wish I could really explain myself...that I wish I could make it all make perfect sense, but it just isn't that easy. Just being in that school sometimes is enough to drive me mad and it makes me feel weak. I don't have the same tolerance as everyone else and that fact bothers me more than anything else. The time I was turned wasn't a good period to be a vampire in the south, not with the war going on. It was constant carnage and not just the human Civil War...if only history truly knew how deep it all went. The constant supply of blood wasn't something one could resist, not in those days and not with what was going one. In a sense, I still have nightmares about it to put it simply. When I get too caught up in my thoughts it's like being there again and I can not only remember the horrors of the battles between our own kind, but the terror of the Civil War. There was never a doubt in my mind that I was meant for the military lifestyle, but that doesn't erase the things I saw. Sometimes all it takes is a name or a sound, a smell and I'm back there, seeing the men and boys fall before their time like dominos. And the newborns. To know that so many died at my hands in both stages of my life so far it's...heavy. That's the only way I can think to describe it. One day, maybe, the shellshock will finally wear off....